Tomorrow, I am going back into residential after days of endless debate and contemplation. My choices were either outpatient or residential and my eating disorder more than anything wanted to choose outpatient. Ed told me that I would be fine, that I am more weight restored than I have been since getting anorexia, that I am more medically stable. Ed told me we could compromise, I would stay at this not fully restored weight and he could still have a little bit of control. He told me outpatient would be fine, that it would be great even. The one thing he told me loudest of all was that I would not weight restore. If I did, I would be disgusting, unlovable and utterly worthless.
So what did I do? I chose to ignore the voice chattering incessantly in my head and I am going back. Ed is not at all happy about this decision, which ironically is how I know it is the right choice. I decided that I am done trying to change my body for the approval of others. I am so sick and tired of starving myself just to fit some arbitrary mold. My body is not perfect and that is so okay, that is more than okay.
Critiquing and constantly judging yourself is so tiresome. Basing your self worth on your body is so unbelievably inaccurate. You were put onto this earth to do amazing things. You are meant to do so much more than pick and pull yourself apart day by day. We need to stop the self criticism, although it is so much easier said than done. Remember, you are more than your body and you are so enough.