I don’t know what I am trying to prove by not eating. How does starving yourself amount to any degree of strength or bravery? If anything what I am doing is the opposite of powerful. That is what I have been trying to tell myself these past couple of days as I have struggled through the meals and snacks provided to me at treatment. I am disappointed in my progress thus far and am ready to break out of this rut and start on a real path towards recovery.
My first step is to think of the endless possibilities that await me on the other side of recovery. That starts with the thought of returning to UW. I think my main goal has always been school but I have now reformulated that goal in my head. Yes, I want to return to lecture and attend office hours again but I also want to be healthy when I do that. No longer do I want to be sitting in lecture trying to focus on the professor, utterly distracted by thoughts of food and the pains of hunger. I want to be able to enjoy my chemistry and biology courses without anorexia getting in my head. I want to walk up those stairs to the fourth floor where my professor’s office is without getting light headed from exhaustion.
These things mean prioritizing myself in recovery and focusing on no one else but myself. I need to stop comparing. I need to stop thinking that if I eat people will no longer care about me because that statement is so unbelievably false. I need to remember myself as a child, that little girl who absolutely deserves to eat. I need to remember that I am still that little girl, and that I do not deserve a life of restriction.
Recovery abounds with opportunity and restriction is filled with misery and stagnancy. I have so many goals and so many things I want to accomplish, but I will not be able to do those things until I have health and nutrition on my side. I will continue to write about my recovery journey and hopefully post periodic updates on my process as the days and weeks go by. For now, I am focusing on a single quote that has been a considerable source of motivation for me: “Comfort is the enemy of progress.”